


The Love I Meant To Say

by blk0912



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Barson, Barsonoah, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:01:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24383971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blk0912/pseuds/blk0912
Summary: Eddie, Amanda, and Sonny team up to get Rafael to admit his feelings for Olivia. Post "Undiscovered Country"
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 6
Kudos: 42





	The Love I Meant To Say

**Author's Note:**

> So...I don't usually write angst. I prefer fluff. But I happened across two songs on YouTube over the weekend and thought they fit Barson post-undiscovered country. Plus, who doesn't love singing Barba? :) I've never written Eddie, and don't remember much about him from canon, but figured he would be a good person to talk some sense into his childhood friend.
> 
> The songs are from this show that aired on NBC called "Smash". Both of these songs are from season 2.   
> Olivia's song: "Don't Let Me Know"  
> Rafael's song: "The Love I Meant to Say" [this is also where the title of this fic comes from]
> 
> As always, hope you all enjoy!

* * *

Sitting at the bar trying to drown his sorrows in scotch, Rafael’s head shot up at the sound of two familiar voices.

“Come on, Lu, it’ll be fun, _I promise_ ,” he heard Sonny say.

“It’s karaoke night,” he heard Amanda add. “No one is expecting you to sing perfectly! It’ll be cathartic.”

 _‘Why would she need catharsis?’_ Rafael wondered. He wanted to watch where they went, but he didn’t want them to see he was here so he decided to stay where he was.

“You okay?” he heard Eddie ask from beside him. After leaving Olivia at the courthouse a few days before, and feeling like he was going to die of a broken heart, he’d called Eddie and explained everything. Despite their time apart, his old friend had been there for him. He couldn’t know how those two simple words broke his heart even more, thinking about all the times he and Olivia had asked that question of each other.

Rafael made a face and took another sip of his scotch, shrugging his shoulders in response to his friend’s question.

Eddie sighed. “I still don’t understand why the hell you didn’t just _tell_ her. Rafi, _ella es el amor de tu vida_. _Su alma gemela_.”

“ _No tengo **nada** que ofrecerle_.”

“ _Eso no es cierto_.”

Rafael shook his head, taking another sip of his scotch as he heard the notes of a familiar song begin to play. It was from a TV show he and Olivia had recently finished watching. They had stumbled upon it one night when they were taking a break from case prep at her place. Noah had been gone on a sleepover with Lucy and they’d stayed up late watching the first few episodes, falling asleep together on the couch. His heart ached at the thought of never doing those little things with her again.

* * *

Standing on the stage, Olivia wondered exactly how she’d let Amanda and Sonny talk her into getting up here. When she was looking through the catalog and discovered songs from a TV show she and Rafael had recently finished watching, she remembered the lyrics to one in particular that she thought fit their current situation. Taking a deep breath, she began to sing.

**I wish you were a bad man**

**I wish you made it easier**

**I wish you'd done something unforgivable**

**'Cause holding onto you is that all I can do until**

**I learn the hands around my throat are my own**

**Don't let me know if it hurts**

**If it hurts you**

**I don't want to be your friend that you turn to**

**That you won't pull me close**

**But you can't let me go**

**Don't let me know**

**Don't let me know**

**Don't let me know**

**Don't let me know**

* * *

At the sound of Olivia’s voice, Rafael swung around on his stool to watch her. She was as beautiful as ever, but looked…defeated, and her voice was sad, like she was near tears. As she continued to sing, the lyrics felt like they were piercing his heart

**I wish I never met you**

**Now I gotta forget again**

**I wish you didn't know me**

**Mmmmm... Don't tell me that you're scared**

**Every time that I'm not there**

**Don't you open up my heart again**

* * *

After Olivia had finished, and a few more singers had gone after her, Rafael felt Eddie shoving him toward the stage.

“ _Canta para ella_ ,” he said.

“I…” Rafael started to say, cut off by Eddie shaking his head.

“I know you think you don’t have anything to offer her right now, but you’re wrong. Let her help you figure out what your next step will be. You didn’t get disbarred, you were found not guilty. She stood by you every step of the way, before, during, and after the trial. Moving on from the DA’s office doesn’t have to mean moving on from _her_. Rafi, she’s your soul mate. You are stronger together. Let her be there for you. All she wants is for you to tell her that you love her and that you’re sorry for being an idiot.”

Rafael nodded, taking a deep breath and stepping up on the stage. Hoping Olivia hadn’t left yet, he searched the audience as he began to sing.

**Over, I can't believe it's over**

**I can't believe the love I lived**

**To show some other day**

**Listen, I hope that you can hear me**

**As I kneel down and pray**

**With the love I meant to say**

**Shadows, you took away the shadows**

**Before you, life was black and white**

**Though tonight the room's gone gray**

* * *

“Did you know Barba could _sing_?” Amanda asked Sonny, immediately recognizing the man on the stage as the now former ADA for SVU.

“No idea,” Sonny answered. “I think Lu did, though.”

Amanda looked over at her friend, who was wiping away tears. “You okay, Liv?”

Olivia shook her head. “I didn’t know he’d be here.”

“We didn’t, either.”

“Do you want to leave?” Sonny asked.

Olivia shook her head again. “I want to hear him finish the song.”

**Golden, all the love you gave was golden**

**Golden, I would gladly pay,**

**To show the love I meant to say**

* * *

Standing, Olivia walked closer to the stage. She wanted to see for herself that Rafael was really here, that he was really singing an apology to her. She didn’t see Amanda and Sonny follow close behind her, or Eddie join them a few moments later. All she could see was Rafael. Her best friend. The love of her life. Her soul mate.

**Oh, music you made me hear, such music**

**Without you here to guide me,**

**I fear my soul will fly away**

* * *

Spotting Olivia, Rafael grabbed the microphone from the stand as he continued to sing. Walking off the stage, he approached her cautiously, hoping she wouldn’t run away from him. Reaching for her hand, he laced their fingers together as he finished the song.

**Sorry, that's the word I want to sing to you**

**The other word is "Stay"**

**To hear the love I meant to say**

* * *

Once Rafael had finished singing, Olivia released his hand to wrap her arms around his neck and hug him tightly, burying her face in his shoulder as she cried. Feeling Eddie take the microphone out of his hand, he sent his friend a quick smile of thanks before wrapping his arms tightly around Olivia.

“Liv,” he said tearfully. “ _Lo siento. Te amo_.”

Pulling back, Olivia searched his face as her brain tried to register his words. The ones she’d wanted him to say outside the courthouse. “ _También te amo_ ,” she replied tearfully.

Reaching up to frame Olivia’s face with his hands, Rafael used his thumbs to try and wipe away some of her tears. Closing the gap between them, he captured her lips with his.

* * *

Later that night, after making love with Olivia, Rafael lay in his bed with her in his arms, smiling as she kept pressing kisses along his neck and collarbone.

“Livia,” he said softly, capturing her lips for another kiss before he spoke again. “I love you.”

“Rafa,” Olivia returned, brushing their lips together again. “I love you, too.”

“You’re sure this is what you want? I feel like I have nothing to offer you…or Noah…right now…”

“You love us…and that’s enough. We’ll figure out the rest together.”

“McCoy wants to meet with me again-he’s trying to get me to rescind my resignation,” Rafael revealed.

“As he should. I think you should meet with him and hear what he has to say. He owes you a big apology first and foremost. I also think you should take a vacation…with Noah and me, of course. Somewhere warm.”

Rafael chuckled, pressing a kiss to her temple. “Are you planning my life now?”

Olivia simply shrugged, suddenly feeling unsure. “If that’s what I had to do to get you stay in New York and not leave me…then that’s what I’ll do.”

“I’m not leaving…especially not now. I’m sorry for being an idiot. I’ve loved you for so long…it never occurred to me that you would return my feelings…especially not after what I did.”

“Well, now that I know, I’m never letting you go,” Olivia told him tearfully. “I can’t imagine my life without you. I don’t want to have to tell my little boy that you’re leaving and I’m not sure when you’ll be back.”

“You won’t have to do either of those things,” Rafael promised. “But speaking of Noah, where is he?”

“With Lucy. Amanda and Sonny convinced me to go out tonight, and I thought maybe I could try and work through some things on my own so I could be brave for him.”

“I think our friends conspired against us.”

“Oh, I’m positive they did. But I don’t care. This is it for me, Rafa. You’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. You’re my best friend, you know me better than anyone else. But I need to know that you’re all in-I can’t risk Noah getting hurt.”

Rafael pulled her close as he spoke. “This is it for me, too, Liv. I’m all in. Whatever you need. I love you and I love Noah. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do next job-wise, but a vacation, especially one somewhere warm, with the two of you sounds amazing.”

“Noah is going to lose his mind when he sees you,” Olivia said with a laugh. “He’s been asking for you.”

“He has?”

“Don’t sound so surprised. You know you’re his favorite.”

“He’s a great kid. You’ve done an amazing job with him, Liv.”

Olivia smiled at him, leaning in for another kiss. “I heard him talking about you to Eddie the elephant the other night,” she revealed.

“Yeah?”

“Mm. He said that he wished you could stay forever because you’re the best and I always seem happier when you’re around.”

“ _Dios_.”

“I could have Lucy drop him off here in the morning, along with a bag for each of us, and we could spend the weekend here…if that’s okay with you?”

“Sounds perfect. Actually, you two moving in here with me would be perfect…”

“Isn’t that moving a little fast, counselor?” Olivia teased. “We haven’t even been out on a date yet.”

Rafael grinned at her. “Liv, I’m pretty sure we’ve been out on plenty of dates…we just didn’t want to admit to each other that that’s what we wished they were.”

Olivia nodded her head in agreement. “I suppose that’s true.”

“We could talk to Noah about it in the morning?”

“Okay,” Olivia agreed, moving to press her lips to Rafael’s again, pulling him back on top of her. “Make love to me again, Rafa.”

* * *

“RAFA!!”

Turning, Rafael barely had time to open his arms before Noah promptly launched himself at him. Scooping the boy up in his arms, he held him close. “ _Hola, amigo_.”

“I missed you!” Noah said, wrapping his arms tightly around Rafael’s neck.

“I missed you, too.”

“Mom said we’re staying with you for the whole weekend?”

“That’s right. Is that okay with you?”

Noah was silent for a moment before he leaned back to look at Rafael. “Are there pancakes involved?”

Rafael laughed. “I think that could be negotiated.”

“Are you and Mom going to kiss now?”

“What?”

“If we’re staying with you…that means that you and Mom love each other…and that means you kiss.”

“Like this?” Olivia asked as she joined them, leaning close to Rafael to brush their lips together.

“Eww,” Noah said with a laugh, earning a tickle in his side from his mother.

“Come on, kid,” Rafael said as he carried Noah over to the couch and then dumped him on it, making him laugh some more. “Apparently it’s your turn to pick out a movie.”

“Are we going to watch it together?” Noah asked as Rafael and Olivia took a seat on either side of him.

“That’s the plan,” Olivia replied, watching with interest as Noah clambered onto Rafael’s lap and rested his head on the older man’s chest.

Pressing a kiss to Noah’s head, Rafael wrapped an arm around him before laying his other one across the back of the couch, inviting Olivia to scoot closer. Smiling, she cuddled into his side, wrapping an arm of her own around Noah as he found the movie he wanted. While he still wasn’t sure what he was going to do, Rafael knew he could accomplish anything as long as he had his two favorite people by his side. His family.


End file.
